Season 7 Week 7: The Empire vs. Real Man's Rabble Rousers

The Empire is: Prometheus, Eros, Ewok #76 (w/ Zapper and Proton Pack), Paddle (Immell #4) (w/ Green Lightsaber), Bill Kelley Dark Jedi Master (w/ Blue Lightsaber, Energy Bow and Arrow, and Plumb Hammer), Eugene "Butch" Aaron Griswold (w/ Trusty Estwing Hammer), Silver Sentry (w/ Green Lantern Ring), Ryan (Shining Force, w/ Halberd) Thor (Shining Force, w/ Atlas), Carli!! (Shining Force, w/ Heat Axe), Game Boy, Elroy Jetson, Rosey, Bran, Watchdog #3, Cordella Chase, War Bird, Kid Gladiator, Faker, Black Lantern Trinity, Teddy Tear, and Doozer #5.

Real Man's Rabble Rousers are: Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and Roadblock in Transformers Mech Units, Darth Rage (w/ Yellow Lantern Ring), Ross, Christmas, Yang, Johnson (w/ Red Lightsaber), Toll Road (w/ Black Lightsaber), Caesar, Tool, Nom Anor (w/ Red Lantern Ring), Nyssa, Asad, Reinhardt, Chupa, Snowman, Priest, Verlaine, and Lighthammer.

   Hello, Fantasy Fantasy fans, and welcome to the 2014 FFL Colosseum Clash! As always (twice, specifically) I'm your host from the News Network for Fantasy Gaming, Daveatu! Though our previous sponsors ran for the hills after last week's debacle on Dune, we were picked up for a gladiatorial battle by Trojan Condoms! Pleasure you want and protection you trust, now available in kumquat flavor! Unfortunately, when we arrived in Troy earlier this week, we realized it wasn't Rome and there was no Colosseum. Luckily, Troy was super old and falling apart as it was, so Trojan plowed through it and built a brand new Troy in its place! We're coming to you live from the center of the vastly improved city and today's arena, The Trojan Con-Dome! The rest of the city is your typical urban paradise, nothing but brothels and hot dog stands as far as the eye can see. Today's competitors will have to overcome not only their opponents, but the many hazards of the Con-Dome itself as well. 

[A distant trumpet blares the "Trojan Man" sting]

   That sound can only mean one thing, the games are about to commence! In the arena below, the portcullises have opened and our competitors have emerged. Their exits close behind them, and the crowd is in an uproar! A big thanks to all four of them for attending. The match begins and both teams rush to the center of the enormous arena, save for Eros, Carli, Bill Kelley and The Expendables, who seem to be hanging back in ranged positions. Silver Sentry starts out strong by grabbing Roadblock's mech and swinging him into The Expendables, smashing Caesar and Toll Road. Their allies attempt to retaliate against Silver Sentry are having little to no effect, and he's looking pissed! He turns around to grab another mech, but the Blood Pack piles on to restrain him. Meanwhile, Darth Rage and Nom Anor are gleefully picking off the lesser of The Empire's squad. Ewok #76, Elroy Jetson, Teddy Tear, and Game Boy lay dead by their hands, and it looks like the Shining Force is finally stepping up against their tyranny! The remaining G.I. Joe transformers took over for Nom and Rage, chasing down Paddle, Rosey, and Bran.

   A multicolored wheel is spun by Trojan Man in the balcony above the arena, and it lands on a white space. Several large hoses are being brought into the Con-Dome, and they've begun pumping out a thick white substance. Is that what I think it is... Oh god, it is! Elmer's Glue! Many competitors are struggling to get around now, giving ranged attacks a huge advantage! Eros and Bill Kelley fire a rain of arrows into the Blood Pack, now drinking that sweet red Kool-Aid from Silver Sentry's body, and take out Priest, Asad, and Snowman. As Eros loads another arrow, a knife flies through the air and sinks into his heart. Bill looks to The Expendables in time to see them aiming their firearms in his direction, and as they let loose with gunfire he begins cutting the bullets down in trajectory with his lightsaber. With one hand he continues this technique, with the other he draws his hammer and chucks it into Ross's forehead. Halfway through Bill's trudge toward them, Yin Yang jumped out of his glued-down shoes, flipped through the air, landed behind Bill and broke his neck. The Shining Force, having disposed of Rage and Nom Anor, has moved on to The Blood Pack. The Joe Mechs are falling quickly as Kid Gladiator slices through them with his heat vision, while War Bird and Faker are fighting back Yin Yang and Johnson on the ground below them. As Kid Gladiator cuts the legs off of the final mech, it falls over onto Faker and Doozer #5, killing them both. The glue is drying and both teams are picking up their pace as War Bird and KG take out the last four Expendables. The Blood Pack, though pursued by the Shining Force, managed to drain E."B".A. Griswold and Cordella Chase. They realized too late that in their feeding frenzy, they allowed themselves to be surrounded. Carli snaps her fingers and a rain of fireballs comes down the vampires, burning them into the ground and ending our first and probably final Colosseum Clash! To the two spectators who didn't leave the arena for a trip to the local brothels, joke's on you! Good night folks!