Season 5, Week 2: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Once upon a time,
A tyrant named William was born;
Risen from the machines,
And from the beast’s one horn.

Scorching the earth,
With his beloved Queen Kate;
A perfect, bloodthirsty woman,
The tyrant’s true mate.

With the magnificent Pippit,
Wearing the skulls of robots on brow;
Never your back to turn on her;
Or wind up stuck like a suckled sow.

The King’s brother Harribul,
With the terrible monikered theme;
Loving the exsanguinated bowels,
To the ultimate and utter extreme.

The Royals reigned supreme,
Making decisions mired in the dead;
Never mess with any,
Or live the phrase “Off with your head!”

-Author Unknown

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 2 Match located in Arctic. They are as follows:

Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: The Serpent (Fear Itself); Skadi: Herald of the Serpent (Merged with Shao Khan via hammer); Shao Khan (Merged with Skadi via hammer); Steel Superman with blue lantern ring; Daniel LaRusso with blue lightsaber and green lantern ring; Tracy Strauss with demon rod; Faith Lehane with blue lightsaber in snow speeder with Kevin Periera.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies: Ol’ Dirty Bastard w/Red Lantern Ring; RZA with Pokeball; GZA; Method Man with laser gun; Raekwon; Ghostface Killah with Starwand; Inspectah Deck; U-God; Masta Killa with laser sword; Cappadonna; Black Lantern General Grievous; Wiliam V: Tyrant; Queen Kate; Pippit; Harribul the Terrible with Tron light suit; Altair Ibn-La'Ahad; Ezio Auditore da Firenze; Dale Cooper (Twin Peaks); Aang; Appa; Katara; Sokka; Toph Beifong and Zuko.


Let the battle begin. . .

Tracy Strauss rushes at GZA and uses her demon rod to subdue the Wu-Tang Clan member. GZA falls to his knees and looks up at the chilly opponent.

GZA: Yo b@tch be crazy!!!

Strauss: And you be frozen.

Strauss touches GZA and he freezes in place. She taps her demon rod on GZA and her brittle opponent disintegrates into pieces. Masta Killa, Ghostface Killah and Method Man rush to the skirmish. At the same time they look at one another.

Method Man: Fo a brotha-cut da b@tch!!!

The three rush Strauss. Masta Killa dodges Strauss’ demon rod and slices her with his laser sword. Ghostface Killah uses his star wand and she falls to her knees. Method Man walks up to Strauss.

Method Man: That’s howz I likz ma b@tches. . . on their knees!

He is about to pull the trigger when a surge of adrenalin rushes through Strauss and she touches Method Man. His leg freezes as he pulls the trigger. Strauss is killed; Method Man loses his now frozen leg in the fight.

Daniel Larusso gravitates to the scene and slices Masta Killa with his blue lightsaber, while using his green lantern ring to crush the skull of Ghostface Killah. As he is about to finish the hobbled Method Man, Ol’ Dirty Bastard (hereinafter “ODB”) with his red lantern ring blasts Larusso out of the sky. Larusso dodges the laser fire from Method Man while battling ODB with his ring. Although Larusso loses ground, he remembers that he is “Grasshopper” and that he is strong. As he turns around he hears the hacking cough of BL General Grievous. Grievous unleashes his four lightsabers and slices the Karate Kid repeatedly. As Larusso dies he recognizes that he was never known as “Grasshopper.” His dying smile notes that he is glad he is not, in fact, “Grasshopper” since “Grasshopper” met his demise, not at the hands of an able combatant, but by accidentally hanging himself from a bathroom with a plastic bag over his head (and naked).

Dale Cooper is walking in his parka across the frozen tundra. He is thinking of “cherry pie”. He draws his weapon as he is confronted by Skadi and Shao Khan.

Cooper: Hello. . . my brothers?

The two Kennelz members look at each other incredulously as this wonder-bread-eating-fool actually addressed them as his “brothers.” The two rush him. Cooper manages to squeeze off two shoots to no avail. Cooper is killed. The two Kennelz then focus on Clan members Raekwon and Cappadonna, killing them both. Inspectah Deck, U-God join RZA with a Pokeball. As they rush to the scene, they see the enhanced Skadi and Shao Khan. The Clan members, once again, do not stand a chance against the two entities and Inspectah Deck, U-God and RZA are destroyed.

Faith Lehane and Kevin Periera speed by in their snow speeder. Aang flies out of the snowy sky on the sky bison Aapa. Aapa crashes into the snow speeder and the Rebel fighter crashes into the ground in a blaze of fire. Appa is killed in the smash-up. Aang bends the air around him in order to land safely on the ground. Lehane and Periera manage to escape before the fighter is engulfed by flames and crawl out of the ship. The two are set upon by Altair Ibn-La'Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Altair kills Periera. Faith’s slayer instincts kick and she dodges the blow by Ezio. She then manages to snap the assassin’s neck. As Faith is about to face Altair she ignites her lightsaber. The two circle one another. Altair is then joined by Wiliam V: Tyrant, Queen Kate, Pippit and Harribul the Terrible. Harribul’s Tron light suit glimmers and temporarily blinds Faith. This moment is enough for Altair, William, Kate and Pippit to set upon her. They all manage to strike her repeatedly at the same time. Although Altair is killed in the skirmish, Faith is mortally wounded. Harribul drops down to Faith, who is now lying on the bloodied ground.

Harribul: I hope you like this. . .

He grabs her lightsaber which is just out of her reach and slowly begins to gut her. Faith screams in pain. Harribul screams in ecstasy. Faith dies as her intestines litter the snow.

Harribul: . . . and I thought she smelled good. . . on the outside. . .

The Royals walk from Faith and are met by Steel Superman. Superman immediately uses his ring on Pippit and Kate. The two women are immediately crushed by an immense hammer. Their bodies become mush.

Steel Superman: Now that’s what I call a Royal Mush!

Harribul and William attack Superman and are thrown across the icy floor. Just as Superman is about to kill the remaining aristocrats, BL General Grievous comes to the scene. The Kaleesh cyborg holds his own against Steel Superman. Grievous spins his lightsabers and utilizes his ring powers at Superman. Grievous eventually bests the Steel hero. Unfortunately for the Murderflies, Steel Superman uses his ring powers to kill both William and Harribul before his demise.

Skadi and Shao Khan unleash their powers on Grievous. Grievous succumbs to the barrage and is decimated. A hobbled Method Man and ODB rush at the two hammer-imbibed combatants. While the two Clansmen focus on the hammer duo, the Serpent springs upon them and destroys them both where they stand.

The “Bender” clan utilizes all of their powers against Shao Khan, Skadi and the Serpent. Katara bends the water of the arctic, Aang bends the air surrounding them, Sokka uses his weaponry, Zuko uses the flames from the previously crashed snow speeder and bends the fire surrounding same, and Toph Beifong bends the earth beneath the arctic’s snow. The combined efforts of the Asian warriors destroy Shao Khan and Skadi, but at the cost of losing Sokka and Zuko. The three remaining Murderflies- Zuko, Aang and Toph come together and in an unparalleled sight, use their powers in their entirety against The Serpent. They know that all will not survive. When the smoke clears Aang is the lone warrior standing.