S8W6: Horsemen vs. TEAM

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Celestial: Arishem The Judge (9 deaths), John McClane (9 deaths), Black Bolt, Imhotep, Anak Sanamun, Achilles, Spartacus, Crixus, Gannicus, Oenomaus, Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, Melitta, Harry Potter, Phoenix (Jean Gray), Charleton Heston, Fry Guy #2, Sheenna Brugh, Sandworm #14, Sardakaur Terror Trooper #1-10 (all with 9 deaths).  (Listen, a bunch of these guys have rings and shit but since this is late I am not going to waste all that time by typing out each and every thing.  You will just have to read the match and criticize me later because I don’t know how to write an Indigo Lantern ring properly.  I don’t have the time to write it and you don’t have the time to read it.  Short and sweet.  That’s how people like it and thats what I aim to give you guys.  Just a quick match against two old foes.  I thank you in advance for your understanding.)

TEAM is: Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip, Star Sapphire Julie Artrip in Delorean Time Machine, Sandworms #1B, 2B & 5B, JLA Batman, JLA Wonder Woman, JLA Flash, JLA Aquaman, JLA Hourman, Iron Man, Captain America, Incredible Hulk, Vampire Amy Poteracki in an Adult sized Tricycle pulling Charlie Lynn (w/ Trident) in a Radio Flyer Wagon, Ryan Poteracki in AT-RT, Cock Sneak Goomba #9-10, Predator #46, Marine #79-80.

TEAM arrives on the scene, the entire squad (sans Sandworms) are inside a Jawa Sand Crawler. It’s not just a clever name, these things travel sloooooowwww. It comes to a halt on the top of a sand dune. Iron Man and Captain America are fighting over the latch on the inside trying to get the big door open when Black Bolt rips it off from the outside.

“Let me help you with that!” Black Bolt says.  He then grabs them both by the neck and throws them a half a GD mile and takes off toward them to give them a sweet ass kicking. The rest of TEAM gets ready to fight and realizes that Aquaman is dead because he is in the effing desert.

Wave one is upon us.  Both teams have sent in the commons.  Predator #46 goes into stealth mode while the Marines and CS goombas are quickly overrun by the Sardakaur Terror Troopers.  Predator #46 comes out of stealth mode and kills STT # 8, 9 and 10 before he is relieved of his limbs and head.

Amy starts triking out pulling her young niece behind her in a radio flyer.  Charlie stabs Fry Guy #2 and begins to devour him. Amy sees Achilles, Sparticus and begins to get dizzy seeing all those glistening abs heading her way.  

“Get in!” Yells Julie and Amy hops into the Delorean and they punch it to 88 and disappear.

The Sardakaur join Achilles and crew as Vampire Ryan is in his AT-RT and starts taking out the ground wave with ease.  Batman and Wonder Woman join the fight to help Ryan while Imhotep helps out his TEAMmates. Within minutes, Oenomaus, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, and Melitta are dead.  Achilles is able to scale the side of the beast and run his sword into the skull of Ryan. In the melee, Charlie Lynn is crushed, Batman and Imhotep are stabbed to death and of the Sardakaur, only #2 is left.  Wonder Woman retreats to join the fight Hourman is having with Phoenix.

Hourman isn’t doing so good.  He’s got the shakes real bad. He didn’t get to CVS in time before it closed and now he had to go a whole day without his Miraclo.  Harry Potter, refusing to ever utter the killing curse himself, shoots a “Crucio” toward Hourman and lets Anak Sanamun finish him off with his Magnoguard Electrostaff.  Wonder woman tries to restrain The Boy Who Lived but Potter blocks her lasso with the trusty Stag of his Patronus charm. Iron Man is back from his fight with Black Bolt and helps out Wonder Woman by killing Phoenix and Potter.  Anak Sanamun Retreats to join Achilles.  Iron Man explains to Wonder Woman about how both Black Bolt and Captain America are dead and how sweet of a fight it was and if the watcher wasn’t a total turd, you would have all known about it.  So my bad everyone.

“It’s time, Hulk” says Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip.  Hulk pounds on the sand and summons the sandworms that sleep.  The ground rumbles and Artrip wastes no time climbing on the back of Sandworm #1B with Wonder Woman.  He helps her position her golden lasso into the plates on the back of the giant beast and jumps over to #2B.  #5B roams free and is eaten by Sandworm #14 with Sheena Brugh at the helm.  Artrip dives his sandworm on Agron and Gannicus while Wonder Woman and Sandworm 1B consume Sparticus, Crixus, and Sardakaur #2.  They do not get to celebrate their victory as they just consumed a total of 4 Lantern rings.  Ka-Splat.  Worm guts everywhere.  Artrip and Wonder Woman have perished in the attack but so too have the sandworms and the consumed combatants.

The last group of TEAMmates are huddled around thinking about how to take on Arishem. Sheena Brugh guides Sandworm 14 toward them.  “You Damn Dirty APE!” yells Heston who has hitched a ride along with Brugh.

This angers the Hulk who is clearly not an ape. Hulk leaps on the back and scoops up Brugh and Heston and bashes their bodies together until they are a bloody pulp.  Hulk grabs the massive sandworm before it can crash back into the sand and he hurls him toward the massive celestial.  Iron man takes to the sky and the flash runs around his feet and causes a hurricane.  They have a sweet plan.  Iron man will bash a hole in him and let the sandworm eat his insides.  The plan is brilliant against any other foe.  Arishem telepathically maneuvers the sandworm around and Iron man flies inside.  He then sends the two of them to the other end of time and space.  Flash is dispatched with a twitch of his ankle and he lifts the hulk into the air. Arishem turns Hulk’s brain to mush by probing it with his mind and then releases him and lets gravity do the rest.

John McClane is discussing the victory with Achilles and Anak Sanamun when a flash of light blinds the trio and they are all sent flying into the air by a speeding Delorean.  McClane is not injured because of his Mandalorian Armor but he can see Anuk is dead and Achilles has a death grip on the hood when they all come to a screeching halt as the car crashes into the body of Hulk who just arrived on the scene.  Gas is spewing out of the back of the car and the screams of the girls inside can be heard.  Achilles almost got away but the back of his foot is stuck between the car and the massive beast.

McClane Kicks Anak Sanamun’s Electrostaff up to his free hand and walks toward the car and stops at the end of a trail of gas leaking from beneath the vehicle and touches the staff to the stream.  The streak of fire takes off across the desert sand.

“Yippee-Ki-yay Mother F--”

KABOOM!