Season 4, Week 7: Better Than All of You vs. The Right Wing

“F@ck the world.”
-John Rambo

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, Week 7 Match located in the deserts of Geonosis. They are as follows:

Better Than All of You: Doc Holiday, Ghost Rider, Rambo, Beachhead, 9 Army Soldiers, Gandalf The White, Cobra Commander (Head Coach), Tomax and Xamot, Black Suit Spiderman, 5 Cobra Vipers, Batman Beyond and Nick Fury.

The Right Wing: Cosmic Hulk Robot, Red She Hulk, Lyra: The She Hulk, Victoria w/ a red lightsaber, Sand, Black Lantern She Hulk, Zombie Grey Hulk, Osmosis Jones, Zombie Jedi Knight #17, Zombie Predator #2 and Sandstorm.

Let the battle begin. . .

Osmosis Jones: I want to see if that twin thing be true!

Osmosis Jones jumps into the mouth of Tomax and travels down to his bowel area. Osmosis Jones thinks about the damage he caused in a previous match and smiles. Tomax begins to feel queasy and slowly loses control of his bowels. The Crimson Twin’s empathic bond with his brother, Xamot, surfaces. Xamot, in turn, loses control of his digestive system. They both rip their pants off.

Osmosis Jones: Sh*t! I guess that Corsican Syndrome thing be true!

Gandalf the White stands in front of the twins. He crashes his staff to the ground.

Gandalf: You shall pass!!!

Osmosis Jones begins to slide down Tomax’s bowel.

Gandalf: You shall pass!!!

Osmosis Jones shoots out of Tomax’s rectum. A flash of feces is unleashed with Jones. Gandalf the White can no longer cling to his namesake. In frustration at his covered clothes, he zaps Osmosis Jones. Jones burns up and explodes. The twins begin to lift their pants up. As their clothes reach their knees, Zombie Predator #2 and Zombie Jedi Knight #17 jump on them. With their pants around their knees, the twins are helpless. Both Tomax and Xamot are ripped apart. Gandalf is joined by 5 Cobra Vipers and Nick Fury. The soldiers unleash their weaponry into the Zombies. Well placed bullets slam through the zombies’ heads. Zombie Predator #2 and Zombie Jedi Knight #17 crumple to the ground. Cobra Commander walks to the scene.

Cobra Commander: You know what you must do.

Nick Fury and the 5 Cobra Vipers fire at Tomax’s and Xamot’s heads. Their heads explode at the impact of the bullets. They will not come back as zombies. They are then joined by Beachhead and 9 Army Soldiers.

The Hulk brigade come together- Cosmic Hulk Robot, Red She Hulk, Lyra: The She Hulk, Black Lantern She Hulk and Zombie Grey Hulk stand side-by-side, facing Cobra Commander, Nick Fury, 5 Cobra Vipers, Gandalf the White, Beachhead and 9 Army Soldiers. In a matter of sheer minutes, the entire Better Than force are devastated. Cobra Commander, Nick Fury, 5 Cobra Vipers, Beachhead and 9 Army Soldiers are killed. Gandalf the White barely manages to escape.

Across the battlefield, Victoria ignites her red lightsaber. She faces Doc Holiday and Rambo. The two macho, manly men shoot at Victoria. The vampire’s moves are too quick and she slices them both in half. Victoria’s victory is short-lived as she turns around and faces Ghost Rider speeding at her. Ghost Rider’s chain wraps around her neck and in one tug, rips it off. Victoria dies in a cloud of dust. In response, Sandstorm fires upon Ghost Rider. The Transformer scores a direct hit upon Ghost Rider’s motorcycle. Ghost Rider is thrown from his vehicle. Ghost Rider slowly rises and is then pummeled by a seismic disruption caused by Sand. Sand then uses his proficiency with guns and fires a wirepoon at Ghost Rider. The projectile rips through Ghost Rider; the spirit of vengeance falls, but rises once again. He is joined by Gandalf the White. The two mystical beings unleash a fury at Sand. Their abilities freeze Sand’s silicon based body in place. Batman Beyond then throws one of his bat projectiles at Sand; Sand explodes and is destroyed. Sandstorm comes upon the scene and easily dispels with Batman Beyond.

Red She Hulk, BL She Hulk and Lyra: The She Hulk combine their forces and fight Black Suit Spiderman. Spiderman dies at the hands of the female warriors with a smile on his face. If he dies, at least he dies in a fourway. Gandalf the White wields his wizardly powers one last time and BL She Hulk dissipates into nothingness. The white wizard is then overcome by Cosmic Hulk Robot.

Ghost Rider stands alone, a wirepoon projectile hanging from his body. Although Ghost Rider uses his chain to rip off the head of Zombie Grey Hulk, he eventually succumbs to Sandstorm and the remaining Hulk clan.

Better Than All of You: All dead.

The Right Wing: Cosmic Hulk Robot, Red She Hulk, Lyra: The She Hulk and Sandstorm survive.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!