Week Six: The Transfoamers vs Tijuana Taco Benders

“You can't kick me out of Coon & Friends, I'm the f**cking Coon!”

-The Coon

Reality. . .

Bryatu: Five.

TTB Owner: Three.

Bryatu: What you fail to recognize Mr. Hernandez is that this is not a negotiation. Five.

TTB Owner (dejectedly): Five special guest appearances on “Groudy.” Agreed. Your other demand?

Bryatu: Let me make myself perfectly clear; this is not a ‘demand’ per se Mr. Hernandez. It is simply a request that must be met in order to allow you the opportunity to provide a team for the current match since you failed to submit same timely.

TTB Owner: That being. . .

Bryatu: I would like for Likolas to dress up as a dirty clown and Squirrel to dress up as a diapered baby during my “Groudy” appearances.

TTB Owner: Dirty clown? Diapered baby?

Bryatu: They’ll know.

TTB Owner: I may have to slip something into their drinks beforehand, but I’ll get it done.

Bryatu: I’m sure you will Mr. Hernandez. I’m sure you will. With that said. . .

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, Week 6 Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:

The Transfoamers: Voltron, Zooti Frugan, B.L. Darth Bane, B.L. Darth Rave, The Losers: Clay, Aisha, Jenson, Roque, Cougar, The Expendables: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Toll Road, Gunner Jenson and James Munroe, Zam Wessel, Jedi Masters #9, 29, 34, 35 and 50A, Dark Side Adepts #7-12, Purple Dragons #15-19, The Fallen, Autobots #1-5, Transformers #1-10, (movie) Jolt, (movie) Arcee, (movie) Sideways, (movie) Mudflap, (movie) Skids and Darko Milicic.

The Tijuana Taco Benders: Coon and Friends: The Coon, Mysterion, Mint Berry Crunch, Human Kite, Toolshed, Tupperware, Iron Maiden and Mosquito, The Revanchist, Daredevil, Lady Deathstrike, Kid Deadpool, Cyberforce: Stryker, Cyblade, Ripclaw, Velocity, Ballistic, Heatwave and Impact, Lavos, Justice Force: Silver Sentry, Ananda, Metal Head, Chrysalis, Tsunami, Nobody, Raptarr, Nano, Green Mantle and Boomerang, Thunderbolts: Songbird, Radioactive Man, Swordsman, Mister X and Headsman, The Ninja Tribunal: Kon-Shisho, Juto-Shisho, Chikara-Shisho and Hisomi-Shisho.


Let the battle begin. . .

City Region-Street Level. . .

The Coon, Mysterion, Mint Berry Crunch, Human Kite, Toolshed, Tupperware, Iron Maiden and Mosquito see Darko Milicic walking the streets in a Minnesota Timberwolves uniform. Coon steps in front of his Friends and looks at Milicic.

Coon: I bet you’re saying to yourself: Should I admit I was wrong, ask for everyone's forgiveness and go back to my original team? Nah, screw that, I'm just gonna keep being a d**k.

The Serbian basketball player rushes at the younglings and reaches Mysterion. Milicic grabs Mysterion and breaks his neck.

Toolshed: Oh my G-d, Darko Milicic killed Mysterion!

Human Kite: You bastard!

In response to Mysterion’s death, Coon and Friends swarm Milicic. The South Park entourage manages to kill the once-highly-touted-and-top-NBA-draftpick-turned-thorough-disappointment.

Coon: We have done good today my Friends. We have done good!

The heroes turn and see Mysterion; he is alive.

Coon: What the f**k?!?!

Forest Region. . .

The stealthy Expendables: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Toll Road, Gunner Jenson and James Munroe move along the forest floor. Ahead, they see the Thunderbolts: Songbird, Radioactive Man, Swordsman, Mister X and Headsman. The mercenaries know that they are at a disadvantage, but the have faced similar odds before.

Songbird: Drop your guns!

Lee Christmas: Fat chance.

Barney Ross: Why do they always say that?

The mercenaries scatter. James Munroe turns to see the Headsman flying at him on a disc-shaped hovercraft. Munroe repeatedly fires his weapon to no avail as Headsman dodges same. Munroe’s head is lopped off by Headsman’s axe. In response, both Barney Ross and Lee Christmas fire at Headsman. The barrage of bullets is too much and Headsman crumples. His hovercraft flies his dead body away from the fracas. Yin Yang battles Mister X, who uses his telepathic abilities to predict the fighting moves of Yang. The combination of Mister X’s skills and psionic powers is sufficient for Mister X to defeat and kill Yang. Songbird generates her high-pitched sonic scream of varying notes toward the Expendables. Her C note causes Toll Road to begin to visually hallucinate, thinking that the trees are coming alive. Toll Road believes a branch is coming to shake his hand. The branch is actually the blade of Swordsman, who skewers Toll Road. Songbird’s E note causes Gunner Jenson to suffer from dizziness and vertigo. Radioactive Man then emits radiation, causing Jenson to suffer from additional nausea and dizziness. Jenson falls to his knees and Swordsman shoots a grappling hook-like projectile at Jenson, killing him. While focused on Jenson, both Ross and Christmas unload their weaponry into Radioactive Man and kill him. Songbird then sings an A note, causing blindness in both Ross and Christmas. The two have each other’s backs and fire wildly at their enemies. She then sings a B which causes euphoria in the remaining Expendables. The two begin to giggle and dance with each other. Mister X kills Christmas. Swordsman kills Ross.

Desert Region. . .

The wind blows across the faces of Dark Side Adepts #7-12. They walk across the hot sands, attempting to sense their prey. The Ninja Tribunal consisting of Kon-Shisho, Juto-Shisho and Chikara-Shisho emerge from the sandstorm, weapons drawn. Juto-Shisho, Ninjitsu master of weapons, slices through Dark Side Adepts #8 and 10. Kon-Shisho, Ninjitsu master of spirit, kills Dark Side Adept #9 and Chikara-Shisho, Ninjitsu master of strength, kills Dark Side Adept #12. Hisomi-Shisho, Ninjitsu master of stealth, bursts from the sand below and skewers Dark Side Adepts #7 and 11. The battle is over before it began. The Ninja Tribunal’s knowledge of the mystic arts allows them to outperform their Force sensitive enemies.

City Region-Underground. . .

The Losers: Clay, Aisha, Jensen and Roque face The Justice Force: Silver Sentry, Ananda, Metal Head, Chrysalis, Tsunami, Nobody, Raptarr, Nano, Green Mantle and Boomerang. Against the odds, Jensen steps in front of the Losers.

Jensen: I'm warning you, I am a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me. Spooky stuff... Anal stuff. It turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. As the ancient Tibetan Philosophy states "Don't start none, won't be none!"

Jensen points his fingers at the Justice Force. They laugh. The Batman-like vigilante, Nobody, is shot in the chest and falls down, dead. Jensen then points to Nano. Nano is shot in the chest and falls down, destroyed. Boomerang spots where the shots are coming from-not from Jensen, but from Cougar who is lying on a pipe behind Jensen. Boomerang throws his projectile at Cougar and knocks him off the pipe, into the murky waters below. Cougar rises from the sewage and Raptarr is upon him in moments. Raptarr’s clawed feet rip off Cougar’s face. Green Mantle flies over to Jensen and transforms his cape into a weapon. Jensen is killed. Clay, Aisha and Roque have their backs to each other and repeatedly fire and then reload their weapons. Metal Head is killed in the melee. Tsunami controls the waters around the trio and blinds the mercenaries with the dirty liquid. Silver Sentry, Ananda, Chrysalis, Raptarr, Green Mantle and Boomerang finish the blinded trio off. The remaining Justice Force members rise from the sewer to the city’s street level.

Swamp Region. . .

Zooti Frugan faces the Revanchist.
Frugan: Revanchist, I am the founder of the Dark Jedi. You are nothing to me and shall be easily disposed of.

Revanchist: Talk is fruitless, Frugan! Let us see!

A pitched battle occurs between the two. Frugan gains the upper hand and is about to kill Revanchist. As he is about to complete his death blow upon Revanchist a shot is heard. Frugan looks down to see a burn mark through his chest. He looks up and sees Kid Deadpool.

Revanchist: How embarrassing. . . The great Zooti Frugan- killed by a mere boy.

Frugan falls face down in the swampy waters. BL Darth Bane and BL Darth Rave fly upon the scene. Their black lantern and lightsaber prowess easily dispose of both Revanchist and Kid Deadpool. The duo’s victory over Frugan is short lived.

City Region- Building top 1604. . .

Zam Wessel leads Jedi Masters #9, 29, 34, 35 and 50A. They run into Cyberforce: Stryker, Cyblade, Ripclaw, Velocity, Ballistic, Heatwave and Impact on building top 1604. Ballistic picks up a piece of broken metal lying on the ground and uses her superhuman hand-to-eye coordination. The projectile soars at Jedi Master #9, who uses the Force to push it away. While focused on Ballistic’s projectile, Cyblade generates blades of electromagnetic energy from her fingers and throws them at Jedi Master #9. Jedi Master #9 is killed. Heatwave focuses his forced beam of super-heated sub-atomic particle plasma at Jedi Master #34. Jedi Master #34 deflects the plasma back at Heatwave and kills him. In response, Velocity races next to Jedi Master #34 and whips him into Impact. The large mutant crushes Jedi Master #34’s head. Zam Wessel blows her poisoned dart at Impact and the behemoth falls to the ground. Wessel unloads a couple shots into his body and wounds the giant. Ripclaw charges at Jedi Masters #29 and 35 and uses his claws to gut Jedi Master #29, although is killed by Jedi Master #35 in the process. Stryker finishes the mortally wounded Jedi Master #29. Wessel and Jedi Masters #35 and 50A make a stand against Stryker, Cyblade, Ballistic, Velocity and Impact. At the loss of Stryker to Cyberforce, Wessel and Jedi Masters #35 and 50A die in their attempts to kill the remaining cybernetic mutants.

Air Region. . .

Purple Dragons #15-19 fly in a standard V formation. They are confronted by four dragons. The four beasts are actually the astral avatars of the Ninja Tribunal. Each Purple Dragon manifests its own version of its breath abilities. Purple Dragons #15 and 16 release a cone of searing energy. Purple Dragons #17 and 18 release a burst of blinding power. Purple Dragon #19 releases a deadly blade of pure energy. Due to the fact that the Ninjitsu’s dragons are mystical astral projections, all of the Purple Dragon’s blasts prove fruitless. In response, the Ninjas manipulate the energies around all and completely fry the tangible beasts. Purple Dragons #15-19 fry, die and fall to the ground below.

City Region-Street Level. . . The Final Battle

The robotic namesakes of the Transfoamers team come together- Voltron, the Fallen, Autobots #1-5, Transformers #1-10, (movie) Jolt, (movie) Arcee, (movie) Sideways, (movie) Mudflap and (movie) Skids arrive and join B.L. Darth Bane and B.L. Darth Rave. A few of the characters transform and blend into the city’s landscape. The team faces a formidable and only-somewhat depleted Bender team of Coon and Friends: The Coon, Mysterion, Mint Berry Crunch, Human Kite, Toolshed, Tupperware, Iron Maiden and Mosquito, Daredevil, Lady Deathstrike, Cyberforce: Cyblade, Velocity, Ballistic and Impact, Lavos, Justice Force: Silver Sentry, Ananda, Chrysalis, Tsunami, Raptarr, Nano, Green Mantle and Boomerang; Thunderbolts: Songbird, Swordsman and Mister X; Kon-Shisho, Juto-Shisho, Chikara-Shisho and Hisomi-Shisho.

Cyberforce and Justice Force walk the streets, passing cautiously by the parked vehicles.

Skids: This is what's called blending in, like a ninja...

Mudflap: Shut up or I'll blend my fist in your face!

Justice Force instantly reacts to the ghetto Transformers. Before they are able to transform, Silver Sentry uses all of his strength to crush Mudflap’s front/head. The remaining Justice Force members join their teammate, and using all of their combined powers, destroy Mudflap. In response to his homeboy’s destruction, Skids begins to transform into his robot mode. Cyberforce responds and manages to destroy Skids, losing Velocity in the fray.

BL Darth Bane and BL Darth Rave fight against Lady Deathstrike, Lavos and Daredevil. Although the Benders admirably fight the BL duo, they are no match for the two and succumb to their eventual deaths. The remaining Thunderbolts come to the scene and Songbird unleashes solid sound constructs at the Black Lanterns. The Black Lanterns return the favor and focus on Songbird. While distracted, the remaining Thunderbolts use their combined powers to destroy BL Darth Bane and BL Darth Rave.

Vehicles speed to the fray; they are (movie) Jolt, (movie) Arcee and (movie) Sideways. They are met by the full force of the Thunderbolts, Coon and Friends, Ninja Tribunal and Justice Force. The non-stop, action packed scene cannot be described except for noting the massive amounts of death and destruction that follow. In the end the smoke clears, (movie) Jolt, (movie) Arcee and (movie) Sideways are destroyed, but at the Benders’ team expense of Boomerang, Ballistic, Ananda, Raptarr and Chrysalis.

Voltron and the Fallen lead Autobots #1-5 and Transformers #1-10 against the remaining Benders.

The Coon: This is total b*llsh*t! Too. . . many. . . f**kin’ robots!
At the end of the scene, miraculously, the Benders have destroyed Autobots #1-5 and Transformers #1-10. . . but all on the Bender team have died.
Voltron looks to the Fallen. They then look to see a small human rising from the rubble.

Mysterion: I live. . . .again.

The Fallen: But not for purposes of this match puny boy!

The Fallen and Voltron both step on Mysterion at the same time. Mysterion is utterly crushed and dies. . . for now.

The Transfoamers: Voltron and The Fallen survive.

The Tijuana Taco Benders: All dead.

THE TRANSFOAMERS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!

Reality. . .

TTB Owner: What the heck?!?! I gave you five ‘Groudy’ appearances and agreed to dress up both Likolas and Squirrel in ridiculous costumes and I lost!?! What the heck!!!

Bryatu: You may not have won Mr. Hernandez, but you gained something even more special.

TTB Owner: What’s that?

Bryatu: One free legal consultation regarding any traffic offense you may obtain in the future.

TTB Owner has a look of disbelief on his face. He walks off, uttering underneath his breath: Take your “ Bryatu Watcherdom,” ‘Groudy’ appearances and free consultation and shove them up you’re a$$. . . .