The Syracuse Valley vs The Right Wing

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.”
-Homer Simpson

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, Week 6 Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:

The Syracuse Valley: Cosmic Spider-Man, Soundwave, w/ (movie) Laserbeak, Black Lantern Squawk Talk, Black Lantern Beast Box, Zombie Overkill, (movie) Ravage, Decepticons #1 and 3, Decepticon Decoys #1 and 2, Go-Bots #1 and 2, Black Lantern Rob Bartlett, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, Xenomorph #97, 98, 99 and 100, Dash Rendar, Leebo, Beavis (w/ Rob Bartlett's old halberd and hockey stick), Butthead (w/ a Sith Lavarouk) and Buttchunk in an Imperial Shuttle, Crasher, Young Anakin Skywalker (w/ a blue lantern ring and a blue lightsaber) in a Tie Interceptor, Bucky O'Hare (w/ a green lightsaber), Deadeye Duck (w/ a red lightsaber), Bruiser (w/ a red lightsaber), Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny, AFC Blinkie, (Head Coach) Commander Dogstar, Peppy Hare (w/ Darth Maul's old double red lightsaber) in a Tie Interceptor, James McLeod in a Tie Interceptor, Kree Soldiers #7-18, Sith Lord #5: Darth Techno (w/ a second red lightsaber), Dark Side Adept #13 (Darth Techno's new Sith Apprentice), Little Goombas #7-18, Boomerang Bros. #2-9, Captain Lou Albano, The Toxic Avenger, The Toxic Crusaders: Toxie, No-Zone, Junkyard, Headbanger and Major Disaster, Splinter, Venus Demilo, Lakitu, Hank Chien, Charlie (from Masters of the Universe), Giant Hammer Bros. #5, 6-10, Fire Bros. #7-10, Raiden with Kid Thunder, Sub-Zero, Mr. Game and Watch, Bran, Glass Joe, Jonny Cage, Jax, Kid Chameleon, Game Boy, Wart, Mappy, Pitfall Harry, King Hippo, Homer Simpson, Balrog #5, Jedi Guardian #3 and Jedi Knight #37.

The Right Wing: Superwoman, Blue Lantern #2, Prometheus, Cosmic Hulk Robot, Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart, Blackfire, Athena (w/ an indigo lantern ring), Black Lantern She-Hulk, Black Lantern Six-Shot, Droid Fighter Ships #3-8, Jedi Masters #18A-23A, Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a devil lance), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod), House M.D., Red She Hulk, Skaar, Son of Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), The Volturi: Aro (w/ a red lightsaber), Caius and Marcus, Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), Lady Voltari, Jool Nooret, Jacen Solo, Sleepwalker, Deathblow, Spikor, Lyra: The She-Hulk, Batwoman, Captain Panaka, Titanium Man, Gen. Ulysses S. Grant (w/ Mandalorian Armor) and Green Goblin.

Let the battle begin. . .


Forest Region. . .

Darth Techno walks along the forest floor with a red lightsaber in each hand. The Sith Lord travels with his Sith Apprentice, Dark Side Adept #13. Meanwhile, Nick Houslander leads Jedi Masters #18A-23A. The Lightsiders notice the Sith in front of them. Nick Houslander rushes at his enemies and ignites his blue lightsaber; he also wields his devil lance.

Houslander: HELLS’ YEAH!!

The skirmish is too spectacular to fully divulge the details. Darth Techno and Dark Side Adept #13 fall in battle to the fury of Houslander’s Jedi troop. To Houslander’s dismay, Jedi Masters #18A, 21A and 23A are also killed.

Jedi Master #19A: Now I know we can take on the entire Valley Decepticon squad!!!

Houslander: I don’t know dude. . .

Before they are able to move, they are met by Jedi Guardian #3 and Jedi Knight #37. The Jedi fight one another while Houslander looks on. At the end of the battle, only Houslander remains. Jedi Masters #19A, 20A and 22A, along with Jedi Guardian #3 and Jedi Knight #37 are killed.

Houslander (to himself): Guess I could’ve helped. . . .

As Houslander contemplates his lack of assistance, Blue Lantern #2 encases Houslander in his power ring’s aura and soars over the swamp region. Blue Lantern #2 and Houslander both focus on the current fracas and decide to join their teammates.

Swamp Region. . . .

Pitfall Harry swings from one vine to another. He jumps from the last vine to a tree branch. On the branch awaits Victoria with a red lightsaber. Pitfall Harry is skewered. The red-headed vampire kicks him to the swamp waters below and jumps away. King Hippo faces Aro. King Hippo attempts to use his sheer bulk to connect with Aro to no avail. Aro uses his red lightsaber to slice King Hippo’s stomach; his entrails empty into the swamp. Aro and Victoria then join Houslander. The trio’s lightsabers are ignited and ready for a fight against the Toxic Avenger and the Toxic Crusaders: Toxie, No-Zone, Junkyard, Headbanger and Major Disaster. In a savage fight, all lightsaber wielding members of the Right Wing remain standing while the entire Toxic fighter squad are defeated and killed.

Xenomorphs #97, 98, 99 and 100 burst forth from the waters below. They surround Caius and rip him apart. In response to their teammate’s death, Aro, Houslander and Victoria mean to avenge his death. In a spectacular display of precision and stealth Aro kills Xenomorph #97; Houslander kills Xenomorph #98; Victoria kills Xenomorph #99; and all three skewer Xenomorph #100 at the same time.

Meanwhile, Marcus is barraged by the projectiles thrown at him by Boomerang Bros. #2-9 and Little Goombas #7-18. In the end, a well placed boomerang slices off Marcus’s head. Blue Lantern #2 destroys all of the Boomerang Brothers, #2-9, by using blue colored constructs. Aro and Caius finish off Goombas #8-18 themselves. Houslander runs at remaining Goomba #7 and rips his throat out with his teeth. The vampires smile at the sight. They think to themselves that the Volturi have worn off on their teammate.

Houslander (covered in Goomba #7’s blood): Tastes like chicken! HELLS’YEAH!

Blue Lantern #2 carries Houslander and the vampires away and places them in the city on top of a building.

City Region- Building top 81698. . .

“Girls Just Want to have Fun” by Cindy Lauper plays over loud speakers located on top off the building. Captain Lou Albano is lost in the lyrics. He thinks of better days when he used to hang out with his pink haired protégé. A tear comes to his eye.

Batwoman: Lauper had it right Albano. Girls do just want to have fun!

Batwoman pulls out a batarang which slices into Albano’s shoulder. Albano looks over at the weapon and notices that it is ticking. The batarang explodes and the shrapnel decimates Albano’s head. Batwoman is then joined by Blue Lantern #2, Houslander, Aro and Victoria. Glass Joe, Johnny Cage and Jax stand side by side, waiting for someone to make the first move. The “Mortal Kombat” theme song plays over the speakers. Jax and Cage get revved up and take center stage. The duo faces Aro and Victoria. An intense fight ensues and the two Kombateers are about to gain the upper hand on the vampires when a pumpkin bomb explodes in their midst. The Green Goblin’s bombs knock both Jax and Johnny Cage off their game. The vampires take advantage of this and kill them both. Houslander unleashes his fury upon Glass Joe and slices him in half with his devil lance.

Houslander: HELL’S YEAH!!!

Silver Surfer flies by and picks up Houslander. Blue Lantern #2 joins them in the air.

Desert Region. . .

Black Lantern Squawk Talk, Black Lantern Beast Box, Crasher, Zombie Overkill, (movie) Ravage, Decepticons #1 and 3, Decepticon Decoys #1 and 2, and Go-Bots #1 and 2 fight Superwoman, Silver Surfer, Nick Houslander, Prometheus, Cosmic Hulk Robot, Lyra-the She Hulk, Red She Hulk and Skaar, Son of Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber).

The Cybertronian cat-like beast pounces on Red She Hulk. Ravage lashes out and pins the woman warrior to the ground. Skaar and Cosmic Hulk Robot join the fray and use all of their brute strength to rip off Ravage’s head. Before a wounded Red She Hulk can gain her composure, she is struck by both BL Squawk Talk and BL Beast Box. The BL Transformers pound her to a pulp. Silver Surfer enters the fray and uses the power cosmic to rip apart both BL Squawk Talk and BL Beast Box.

Nick Houslander stands with Prometheus. (movie) Laserbeak jettisons from Soundwave and focuses on the Greek Titan. Prometheus momentarily freezes. Prometheus remembers how he was once bound to a rock with an eagle tearing out his liver over and over and over again. The hesitation is more than enough time for Laserbeak to tear into Prometheus’s stomach. He suffers the same fate again as his liver is seen dangling from his body. Prometheus falls to the ground and dies. Its task completed, Laserbeak, once again, joins Soundwave in the air.

Houslander knocks into the Go-Bots.

Houslander (ignites his lightsaber): Ripoffs!!!

Go-Bots #1 and 2, in robot form, with Crasher, race after Houslander. Houslander ducks under Lyra’s legs and a battle ensues between Lyra and Go-Bots #1 and 2. Cosmic Hulk joins the fight. The combined efforts of the hulking duo manage to destroy the Go-Bots and Crasher.

Zombie Overkill is in a heated battle with Skaar. The robotic dinosaur engulfs the Son of Hulk in its mouth. The green lightsaber is not enough to defeat Zombie Overkill and the great beast rips Skaar apart. In response, Cosmic Hulk, Superwoman, Blue Lantern #2, Lyra and Silver Surfer, join forces and destroy Zombie Overkill.

Decepticons #1 and 3 and Decepticon Decoys #1 and 2 face off against the exceptionally powerful Cosmic Hulk, Superwoman, Blue Lantern #2, Lyra and Silver Surfer. In the end, Decepticon #3 and Decepticon Decoys #1 and 2 are destroyed. A mortally destroyed Decepticon #1 lies in the sand. The Cybertronian looks up and sees Houslander, wielding both his lightsaber and devil lance. He deals the final blow to Decepticon #1, who shuts down forever.

Houslander: HELLS’YEAH!!!!

Superwoman, Silver Surfer with Houslander and Blue Lantern #2 fly up into the air.

Air Region. . .

A furious battle occurs between the two teams in the air. Dash Rendar, Leebo, Beavis (w/ Rob Bartlett's old halberd and hockey stick), Butthead (w/ a Sith Lavarouk) and Buttchunk fly in an Imperial Shuttle; Young Anakin Skywalker (w/ a blue lantern ring and a blue lightsaber) commands a Tie Interceptor; Peppy Hare (w/ Darth Maul's old double red lightsaber) commands a Tie Interceptor; and James McLeod also flies in a Tie Interceptor. The pilots fight against Superwoman, Blue Lantern #2, Silver Surfer and Nick Houslander, Zeus, John Stewart, Athena with an indigo lantern ring and Droid Fighter Ships #3-8.

Droid Fighter Ships #3-8 are easily outmaneuvered and outmanned by the combined skills of the Tie Interceptor Trio of Skywalker, O’Hare and McLeod. All Droid Fighter ships are destroyed.

Blue Lantern #2 focuses on Young Anakin Skywalker.

Young Anakin Skywalker: This is tense!

Skywalker’s Tie Interceptor barrages Blue Lantern #2 with its laser fire. Blue Lantern #2 uses his ring for protection against Skywalker’s weaponry. Blue Lantern #2 then projects blue constructs at the Interceptor. As Skywalker avoids the projectiles, he is hit by Zeus’s lightning. Skywalker jettisons from the vehicle and flies away using his lantern ring. He ignites his lightsaber and faces Blue Lantern #2. John Stewart knocks Skywalker off his game. The mid-chloridianed child is then killed by Blue Lantern #2.

Blue Lantern #2: You never stood a chance youngling against a true lantern. . .

Blue Lantern, while focused on Skywalker’s death, is blown out of the sky by the Imperial Shuttle piloted by Dash Rendar, Leebo, Beavis, Butthead and Buttchunk. Zeus and Athena rip off the Imperial Shuttle’s door. The air rushes out of the ship, but Rendar manages to hold it steady. Beavis, Butthead and Buttchunk focus on Athena, thinking that the goddess would be the easiest and “hottest” prey.

Beavis: Hey! Hey! You’re hot! All draped up in robes and stuff! Toga!!! Toga!!!!

Butthead: Heheheheheh. Yeah. Toga! Toga!

Athena: Toga this morons!

Athena takes her spear and skewers Beavis, Butthead and Buttchunk before they are able to use their weapons. Zeus then infuses the entire ship with lightning. Leebo overloads and his circuitry explodes. Rendar jumps out with a parachute. Silver Surfer races by with Houslander in tow. Houslander uses his lightsaber to slice Rendar in half.

Houslander: HELLS’YEAH!!!

Superwoman focuses on James McLeod’s Tie Interceptor. Although McLeod is a superior pilot, his skills are not enough to avoid Superwoman’s powers. McLeod and his Interceptor are destroyed.

Peppy Hare flies away and his ship suddenly stops mid flight. It is being held in place by John Stewart’s green lantern ring. The tie interceptor is struck by Superwoman, Zeus, and Athena at the same time. Hare is destroyed with his ship.

The remaining combatants fly away to the city.

City Region-Final Battle. . .

The entire remaining teams face each other. The Valleyites- Cosmic Spider-Man, Soundwave, w/ (movie) Laserbeak, Black Lantern Rob Bartlett, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, Bucky O'Hare (w/ a green lightsaber), Deadeye Duck (w/ a red lightsaber), Bruiser (w/ a red lightsaber), Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny, AFC Blinkie, (Head Coach) Commander Dogstar, Kree Soldiers #7-18, Splinter, Venus Demilo, Lakitu, Hank Chien, Charlie (from Masters of the Universe), Giant Hammer Bros. #5, 6-10, Fire Bros. #7-10, Raiden w/ Kid Thunder, Sub-Zero, Mr. Game and Watch, Bran, Kid Chameleon, Game Boy, Wart, Mappy, Homer Simpson and Balrog #5 against Superwoman, Cosmic Hulk Robot, Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart, Blackfire, Athena (w/ an indigo lantern ring), Black Lantern She-Hulk, Black Lantern Six-Shot, Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a devil lance), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod), House M.D., The Volturi: Aro (w/ a red lightsaber), Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), Lady Voltari, Jool Nooret, Jacen Solo, Sleepwalker, Deathblow, Spikor, Lyra: The She-Hulk, Batwoman, Captain Panaka, Titanium Man, Gen. Ulysses S. Grant (w/ Mandalorian Armor), Titanium Man and Green Goblin.

In an unprecedented event Cosmic Spiderman and Cosmic Hulk Robot race toward each other at supersonic speed. The cosmic duo has overloaded their powers, anticipating that each would destroy the other. The immensity of the cosmic explosion that destroys both Cosmic Spiderman and Cosmic Hulk Robot in the process and resulting from their mutual overloads devastates the entire cityscape. . . and kills a substantial majority of the remaining combatants. From the Valleyites- Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny, AFC Blinkie, Commander Dogstar, Kree Soldiers #7-18, Splinter, Lakitu, Hank Chien, Charlie, Giant Hammer Bros. #7-10, Fire Bros. #7-10, Mr. Game and Watch, Bran, Kid Chameleon, Game Boy, Wart and Mappy perish. With them, from the Wingers die House M.D., Jool Nooret, Deathblow, Spikor, Batwoman, Sleepwalker, Lady Voltari, Captain Panaka, Ulysses S. Grant and Green Goblin.

From the wreckage, lightsabers are ignited and wielded by the combatants. Bucky O'Hare holds his green lightsaber and both Deadeye Duck and Bruiser hold their red lightsabers. In defiance, Houslander holds his blue lightsaber and devil lance, Bear holds a green lightsaber, Aro holds a red lightsaber, Victoria holds a red lightsaber and Jacen Solo holds his lightsaber.

Bear (to his opponents): Oooh! You have that I-smell-like-I-cr*pped-my-pants-smell!

This infuriates O’Hare and Duck, who both charge Bear. Bear manages to hold his own for a short time due to his dual weapons, but ultimately dies at the duo’s blades. Although they kill Bear, they are no match for the remaining lightsaber wielding Wingers. At the end of the fracas, Deadeye Duck, Bucky O’Hare, Bruiser all lie dead. Balrog #5 then bursts from underneath the street. The immense chain and flaming sword of the fiery beast destroy Aro, Jacen Solo and Victoria. Superwoman, Silver Surfer, Zeus, Blackfire, Athena, Black Lantern She-Hulk, Black Lantern Six-Shot and Lyra: The She-Hulk, join forces and destroy Balrog #5.

Giant Hammer Bros. #5 and 6, Raiden, Kid Thunder and Sub-Zero face Houslander, Flash, John Stewart, Blackfire and Athena. Giant Hammer Bros. #5 and 6 throw their hammers at their enemies. Blackfire uses her energy projections and strength to destroy the projectiles. Athena then uses her indigo lantern ring to form a spear and kills Giant Hammer Bros. #5. John Stewart follows suit and uses his ring to form a green spear which skewers Giant Hammer Bros. #6. Subzero uses his powers to freeze John Stewart so that his blood actually freezes inside his body; Stewart dies. Flash is too quick for Subzero and a speed-induced, well placed vortex spins him over to Blackfire, who kills him. Raiden and Kid Thunder combine their powers and focus on Athena. The lightning rips through Athena and kills her. In return, Zeus soars to the scene and rips through both Raiden and Kid Thunder. Houslander makes sure that the duo are dead and rushes over to slice their heads off with his devil lance.

Houslander: HELLS’YEAH!!!

Houslander then notices Homer Simpson walking from the wreckage of a building with Venus Demilo. He will make Demilo his! Houslander rushes over to Simpson.

Simpson: Please don’t hurt me! I have a wife and kids! Hurt her!

Houslander slices Simpson in half. Demilo walks over to Houslander.

Demilo: Come with me. Come to the Syracuse Valley. Join us.

Houslander: No b**ch is going to tell me what to do! HELLS’YEAH!!

With his war cry, Houslander ignites his lightsaber and slices her in half too.

Soundwave, Laserbeak, Black Lantern Rob Bartlett, (movie) Megatron and (movie) Starscream face Superwoman, Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), Blackfire, Black Lantern She-Hulk, Black Lantern Six-Shot, Lyra and Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a devil lance).

BL Rob Bartlett is decimated by BL She-Hulk. Laserbeak catches Flash and kills him, but is then destroyed by BL Six-Shot. Soundwave manages to destroy Blackfire, but is destroyed by Superwoman, BL She-Hulk and Silver Surfer. Zeus riddles Starscream with lightning while Silver Surfer performs the coup-de-grace and wields the power cosmic to destroy the Decepticon. Megatron is not going out without a fight. In a pitched and furious battle, he destroys BL She-Hulk, Lyra, Zeus and then BL Six-Shot. Although damaged beyond repair, he still defiantly faces Silver Surfer and Superwoman.

Houslander rides with the Surfer on his cosmic board.

Surfer: Would you like the honor?

Houslander: HELLS’YEAH!!!

Surfer and Superwoman hit Megatron at the same time and devastate the Decepticon. As Megatron crumples to the ground, Houslander uses both his devil lance and lightsaber to cut out Megatron’s eye. Houslander holds the piece in his hand, triumphantly.

Houslander: HELLS’YEAH!!!

The Right Wing: Superwoman, Silver Surfer and Nick Houslander survive.

The Syracuse Valley: All dead.

THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!!